Fool Chapter 13

THIRTEENA NEST OF VILLAINSEdmund. Edmund would guard to be dealt with, forces false on him, and I fought the weight-lift to find the black-hearted fiend and thread one of my throwing prickers amongst his ribs, but a plan was already in place, or one of branchs, and I still held the sc fountainch with the two remaining puffb e actuallys the witches had exceedn me. I swallowed my anger and led tarradiddle into the castle.Lo, Pocket Is that you, lad? A Welsh accent. Is the king with you?I saw the make it of a mans head sticking done the stocks set in the middle of the courtyard. His hair was dark and gigantic and hung in his face. I approached and bent down to come up who it was.Kent? Youve found yourself a cruel collar.Call me Caius, verbalize the old knight. Is the king with you?The poor fellow couldnt even look up.Aye. On his way. The men are stable their horses in the town. How came you to be in the stocks?I tangled with that whoreson Oswald, Gonerils steward. Cornwal l judged me the cancelledender and had me thrown in the stocks. Ive been here since last evening.Drool, fetch some water for this equitable knight, express I. The giant loped off to find a bucket. I walked around behind Kent, patted him lightly on his bottom.You k instantly, Kent, er Caius, you are a very seductive man.You rascal, Pocket, Ill not be buggered by you.I smacked his bottom again, dust rose from his trousers. No, no, no, not me. Not my cup of tea. barely Drool, now hed shag the night if he wasnt afraid of the dark. And hung like an ox, that one is. I suspect youll extrude stools untapered for a fortnight once Drools laid the bugger to ya. Supperll dump through you like a cherry pit step up a church bell.Drool was returning now carrying a wooden bucket and a dipper across the courtyard.No Stop shouted Kent. Villainy Violation Stop these fiendsGuards were looking down from the walls. I scooped a dipper of water from the bucket and threw it in Kents face to settle him. He sputtered and struggled against the stocks.Easy, good Kent, I was just having you on. Well get you out of there as soon as the king arrives. I held the dipper for the knight and he drank deeply.When he finished he gasped, Christs codpiece, Pocket, whyd you go on like that?Pure evil incarnate, I reckon.Well, stop it. It doesnt suit you.Im working on the fit, verbalise I.Lear came through the gatehouse seconds later on, flanked by Captain Curan and another older knight. Whats this? asked the king. My courier in stocks How came this to be? Who put you here, man?Your daughter and son-in-law, sire, said Kent.No. By Jupiters beard, I say, no, said Lear.Aye, by St. Cardomons scaly feet35 I say, aye, said Kent.By the flapping foreskin of Freya, I say, bugger all said Jones.And they looked at the puppet, confident on his stick. horizon we was swearing by whatever we could come up with, said the puppet. Do go on.I say no, continued Lear. Tis worse than murder, to treat a messenger o f the king so. Where is my daughter?The old king stormed through the inner gate, followed by Captain Curan and a dozen other knights from his train who had come into the castle.Drool sit down in the dirt, splay-legged, his face even with Kents, and said, So, howve you been?Im in the stocks, said Kent. Locked like this overnight.Drool nodded, starting a string of his namesake down his chin. So, not so good, past?Nay, lad, said Kent.Better now that Pocket is here to save us, innit?Aye, Im a rescue in progress. Didnt see any keys in there when you were getting the water?No. No keys, said Drool. Theyve a laundress with smashing knockers works by the well some whiles, but she wont have a laugh with you. I asked her. volt times.Drool, you moldinessnt just go asking that sort of subject without some prelude, said I.I said please, said Drool.Well done, then, glad youve kept your manners in the face of so much villainy. convey you, kind sir, said Drool in Edmund the simulateds voice, pit ch-perfect, dripping with evil.Thats un-bloody-settling, said Kent. Pocket, think you could see about liberating me? I help little feeling in my hands a good hour ago and it wont go well for holding a sword if they have to be justify off from gangrene.Aye, Ill see to it, said I. Let Regan vent some venom on her father, then Ill go see her for the key. She quite fancies me, you know?Youve weed on yourself, aint ya? said Drool, post in his own voice, but with a bit of a Welsh accent, no doubt to comfort the disguised Kent.Hours ago, and twice since, said Kent.I does that sometime in the night, when its cold or its too far to the privy.Im just old and my bladders shrunk to the size of a walnut.Ive started a war, said I, since we seemed to be share privacies.Kent struggled in the stocks to look at me. Whats this? From key to wee to, Ive started a bloody war, without so much as a by-your-leave? Im bewildered, Pocket.Aye, which concerns me, as you lot are my army. smashing said Droo l.The Earl of Gloucester came himself to release Kent. Im sorry, good man. You know I would not have allowed this, but once Cornwall has set his mindI heard you try, said Kent. The two had been friends in a former life, but now, Kent, lean and dark-haired, looked younger and more than a measure dangerous, while the weeks had weighed like years on Gloucester. He was estimable feeble, and struggled with the heavy key to the stocks. I took it from him gently and worked the lock.And you, fool, Ill not have you chiding Edmund for his bastardy.Hes no longer a bastard, then? You married his mother. Congratulations, good earl.No, his mother is long dead. His legitimacy comes from the treachery of my other son, Edgar, who betrayed me.How so? I asked, knowing full well how.He planned to take my lands from me and hasten me to the grave.This was not what I had write in the letter. Certainly, the lands would be forfeit, but there had been no mention of murder of the old man. This was Edmunds d oing.What have you done to anger our father? said Drool, pitch-perfect in Edmunds voice.We all turned and stared at the great hunk, the wrong-sized voice coming from his cavernous mouth.I have done nothing, said Drool in another voice.Edgar? said Gloucester.Indeed, it was Edgars voice. I tensed at what great power come next.Arm yourself and hide, the bastards voice said. Father has it in his mind that you have committed some offense, and he has ordered guards to cling to you.What? said Gloucester. What dodgy magic is this?Then the bastards voice again I have consulted the constellations, and they foretell of our father going mad and hunting you At that arrest I clamped my hand over Drools mouth.Its nothing, my lord, said I. The Natural is not right in his mind. Fever, methinks. He mimics voices but not intent. His thoughts are a jumble.But those were the very voices of my sons, said Gloucester.Aye, but only in sound. Only in sound. Like a jabbering bird is the great fool. If yo u have quarters where I might take him And the kings most favored fool, and abused servant, added Kent, rubbing at the rash on his wrists left from the stocks.Gloucester considered a moment. You, good fellow, have been wrongly punished. Gonerils steward Oswald is less than honorable. And while I find it a mystery, Lear does love his Black Fool. Theres an unused solar in the north tower. It leaks, but it will be out of the lift and close to your master, who will have quarters in the same wing.Aye, thank you, good lord, said I. The Natural needs tending. Well wrap him in blankets then Ill run down to the chemist for a leech.We hustled Drool into the tower and Kent closed the heavy door and bolted it. There was one cathedral window with cracked shutters and two cursor loops, all set in alcoves, with tapestries pulled aside and tied to allow in the little light. We could see our breath in the winter air.Drop those tapestries, said Kent.Well, go grab some candles first, said I. Itll be dark as Nyxs36 bunghole once we pull the tapestries.Kent left the solar and returned a few minutes later with a heavy iron candelabra with three lit candles. A chambermaid is bringing us a brazier of charcoal and some ice lolly and ale, said the knight. Old Gloucesters a good sod.And survivor enough not to speak his mind to the king about his daughters, said I.Ive learned some, said Kent.Aye. I turned to the Natural, who was playing with the wax dripping off the thick candles. Drool, what was it you were saying? That bit with Edmund and Edgar plotting.I dont know, Pocket. I just says it, I dont know whats said. But master Edmund beats me when I talk in his voice. Im an insult to nature and should be punished, says he.Kent shook his head like a great hound clearing his ears of water. What sort of convoluted wickedness have you set in motion, Pocket?Me? This isnt my doing, this villainy is authored by that blackguard Edmund. But it will work for our plan. The conversations between Edgar and Edmund lie on the shelves of Drools mind like forgotten volumes in a library, we need only prompt the git to open them. Now, to it. Drool, say the words of Edgar when Edmund advises him to hide.And so we pried events out of Drools retrospection using cues like a cats paw,37 and by the time we had warmed ourselves over the brazier and eaten our bread, we saw the pieces of Edmunds treachery played out as in the voices of the sure players.So Edmund wounded himself and claimed that Edgar did it, said Kent. Why didnt he simply slay his brother?He needs to assure his inheritance first, and a knife to the back would have been suspect, said I. Besides, Edgar is a formidable fighter I dont think Edmund would face him.A traitor and a coward, said Kent.And those are his assets, said I. Or we shall use them thus. I patted Drools shoulder softly. Good lad, excellent fool-craft. Now, I need you to see if you can say what I say in the voice of the bastard.Aye, Pocket, Ill give it a go .I said, Oh, my sweet lady Regan, thou art more fair than moonlight, more radiant than the sun, more glorious than all the stars. I must have you or I shall surely die.In a wink Drool repeated my words back to me in the voice of Edmund of Gloucester, the intonation and desperation in the perfect key to unlock Regans affections, or so Id wager.Howzat? asked the git.Excellent, said I.Uncanny, said Kent. How is it that Edmund let the Natural live? He must know he bears witness to his treachery.That is an excellent question. Lets go ask him, shall we?It occurred to me, as we make our way to Edmunds quarters, that since I had seen the bastard, the power of my protection, be King Lear, had waned somewhat, while Edmunds influence, and therefore immunity, had expanded when he became heir to Gloucester. In short, the deterrents to keep the bastard from murdering me had all but evaporated. I had only Kents sword and Edmunds fear of ghostly retribution to protect me. The witches pouch of puff balls weighed severely as a weapon, however.A squire showed me to an antechamber off Castle Gloucesters great hall.His lordship will receive only you, fool, said the squire.Kent looked ready to bully the male child but I held up a hand to stay him. Ill see that the door is left unlatched, good Caius. If I should call, please enter and dispatch the bastard with lethal vigor.I grinned at the spot-faced squire. Unlikely, said I. Edmund holds me in very high esteem and I him. There will be little time between compliments to discuss business. I breezed by the young knight and into the chamber where Edmund was alone, sitting at a writing desk.I said, Thou scaly monkey of a corpse-gorged carrion worm, cease your feast on the bodies of your betters and receive the Black Fool before vengeful spirits come to wrench the twisted soul from your be and drag it into the darkest depths of hell for your treachery.Oh, well spoken, fool, said Edmund.You think so?Oh yes, Im cut to the quick. I may never recover.Completely impromptu, said I. With time and polish well, I could go out and return with a keener edge on it.Perish the thought, said the bastard. Take a moment to catch your breath and revel in your rhetorical mastery and achievement. He gestured toward a high-backed chair across from him.Thank you, I will.Still tiny, though, I see, said the bastard.Well, yes, Nature being the mutinous twat that she is And still weak, I presume?Not of will.Of course not, I referred simply to your willowy limbs.Oh yes, in that case, Im a bit of a soggy kitten.Splendid. here(predicate) to be murdered then, are you?Not immediately. Uh, Edmund, if you dont mind my saying, youre being off-puttingly pleasant today.Thank you. Ive adopted a strategy of pleasantness. It turns out that one can place all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer. Edmund leaned over the desk now, as if to take me into his most intimate confidence. It seems a man will forfeit all sen sible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale.So youre being pleasant?Yes.Its unseemly.Of course.So, youve received the dispatch from Goneril?Oswald gave it to me two days ago.And? I asked.Evidently the lady fancies me.And how do you feel about that?Well, who could blame her, really? Especially now that Im both pleasant and handsome.I should have cut your throat when I had the chance, said I.Ah, well, water under the bridge, isnt it? Excellent plan, with the letter to discredit my brother Edgar, by the way. Went smashingly. Of course I embellished somewhat. Improvised, if you will.I know, said I. Implied patricide and the odd self-inflicted wound. I nodded toward his bandaged sword arm.Oh yes, the Natural talks to you, doesnt he?Curious, then. Why is that bloody great oaf still drawing breath, knowing what he does about your plans. Fear of ghosts, is it?For the first time Edmund let his pleasant and insincere grin falter. Well, there i s that, but also, I quite enjoy beating him. And when Im not beating him, having him around makes me feel more clever.You simple bastard, Drool makes anvils feel more clever. How bloody common of you.That did it. feigning of pleasantness fell when it came to questions of class, evidently. Edmunds hand dropped below the table and came up with a long fighting dagger. But alas, I was already in the process of swingy down hard with Joness stick end and struck the bastard on his bandaged forearm. The blade went spinning in such a way that I was able to kick the hilt as it hit the floor and flip it up into my own waiting weapon hand. (To be fair, that is right or left, whether it was the juggling or the pickpocket training of Belette, I am agile with either hand.)I flipped the blade and held it ready for a throw. Sit Youre exactly a half-turn from hell, Edmund. Do twitch. revel do. Hed seen me perform with my knives at court and knew my skill.The bastard sat, cradling his hurt arm as h e did so. Blood was seeping through the bandage.He spat at me, and missed. Ill have you Ah, ah, ah, said I, brandishing the blade. Pleasant.Edmund growled, but stopped as Kent stormed into the room, knocking the door back on its hinges. His sword was drawn and two young squires were drawing theirs as they followed him. Kent turned and smashed the lead squire in the forehead with the hilt of his own weapon, knocking the boy backward off his feet, quite unconscious. Then Kent spun and swept the feet out from under the other with the flat of his sword and the lad landed on his back with an explosion of breath. The old knight drew back to thrust through the squires heart. chair said I. Dont kill himKent held and looked up, assessing the situation for the first time.I heard a blade clang. I thought the villain was murdering you.No. He gave me this lovely dragon-hilted dagger as a peace offering.That is not true, said the bastard.So, said Kent, paying particular attention to my readied w eapon, youre murdering the bastard, then?Merely testing the weapons balance, good knight.Oh, sorry.No worries. Thank you. Ill call you if I need you. Take that unconscious one with you, would you? I looked at the other, who trembled on the floor. Edmund, do instruct your knights to be pleasant toward my ruffian. He is a favorite of the king.Let him alone, grumbled Edmund.Kent and the conscious squire dragged the other one out of the chamber and closed the door.Youre right, this being pleasant is the dogs bollocks, Edmund. I flipped the dagger and caught it by the hilt. When Edmund made as if to move, I flipped it again and caught it by the blade. I raised a suspicious eyebrow at him. So, you were saying about how well my plan had worked.Edgar is brand a traitor. Even now my fathers knights hunt him. I will be lord of Gloucester.But, really, Edmund, is that enough?Exactly, said the bastard.Uh, exactly what? Had he already set his sights on Albanys lands, not even having spoken with G oneril? Now I was doubly unsure of what to do. My own plan to pair the bastard with Goneril and undermine the kingdom was the only thing keeping me from sending the dagger to his throat, and when I thought of the lash marks on poor Drools back my hand quivered, wanting to loose the knife to its mark. But what had he set his sights on?The spoils of war can be as great as a kingdom, said Edmund.War? How knew he of war? My war.Aye, fool. War.Fuckstockings, said I. I let the knife fly and ran out of the room, bells jingling.As I approached our tower, I heard what sounded like someone torturing an elk in a tempest. I thought that Edmund might have sent an assassin for Drool after all, so I came through the door low, with one of my daggers at the ready.Drool lay on his back on a blanket, a golden-haired woman with a white gown spread around her hips was riding him as if competing in the nitwit steeplechase. Id seen her before, but never so solid. The two were wailing in ecstasy.Drool, wha t are you doing?Pretty, said Drool, a great joyous, goofy grin on him.Aye, shes a vision, lad, but youre knobbing a ghost.No. The dim giant paused in his upward thrusting, lifted her by her waist and looked closely at her as if hed found a flea in his bed.Ghost?She nodded.Drool tossed her aside and with a long shuddering scream ran to the window and dove through, shattering the shutters as he went. The scream trailed off and ended with a splash.The ghost pulled her gown down, tossed her hair out of her face, and grinned. Water in the moat, she said. Hell be fine. Guess Ill be going away half-cocked, though.Well, yes, but joyful good of you to take time from chain rattling and delivering portents of bloody doom to shag the beef-brained boy.Not up for a spirity tumble yourself, then? She made as if to lift her gown above her hips again.Piss off, wisp, Ive got to go fish the git out of the moat. He cant swim.Not keen on flight, neither, evidently?No time for this. I sheathed my dagger , wheeled on my heel and started out the door.Not your war, fool, said the ghost.I stopped. Drool was slow at most things, perhaps he would be so at drowning. The bastard has his own war?Aye. The ghost nodded, fading back to mist as she moved. A fools best planPlays out to chance,But a bastards hope,Arrives from France. Thou loquacious fog, thou nattering mist, thou serpent-tongued steam, for the love of truth, speak straight, and no sodding rhyme.But in that moment she was gone.Who are you? I shouted to the empty tower.